Painful Gratitude

Disclaimer: 
Please understand that, in no way, is this being written to seek sympathy of any kind at all. 
(SYMPATHY can be found in the dictionary, between SELFISH and UNHEALTHY)


Pain - excrutiating pain - like a neverending severe Charley Horse, making it almost impossible to walk.  With this new persistent pain in my left leg, along with the arthritis in my right leg, walking (even with a cane) has been quite a challenge.

Swelling - to the point of feeling as though the insides of my leg would explode right through my skin.

Redness - on the lower portion of my left leg, between my knee and my ankle - hot to the touch - - so much so, that it felt as though a heater, set at a temperature of about 100 degrees, was buried under my skin.

(picture is not my leg, but a close example of what mine was like)

Fever - vacillating between 101.5 and slightly below normal temp, often feeling "infected".

Bruised, sore stomach, feeling like a pin cushion from the daily injections.

(again, picture is not me, but just an example - without the bruises)

(I do apologize for the graphics - not pleasant, I know;  sorry)

But, there is a reason for the description.

Sometimes people have NO warning - NO pain to signal the presence of a disease or condition that potentially could be life-threatening.  Instead, without medical attention, the condition becomes worse and their life is ended suddenly.


This is why I am so very very GRATEFUL for the PAIN I've been experiencing.  I won't lie; I'd prefer not to have pain.  However, without this chronic pain, there's a good chance I may not be here to be writing about this right now.


I was diagnosed with DVT (Deep Vein Thrombosis) - - - - more commonly known as blood clots. 

("B" below - that's me - obviously NOT normal)

My Ultrasound looked as though someone had taken a crayon and colored in almost the entire lower portion of my leg.  Mighty scary.

(Just a diagram below; NOT my Ultrasound)

To what does this all translate?

(of course)

Because of the pain, and because I listened to the pain, and because I heard about what the pain was warning me ................

and, with the help of several Doctors, Nurses, Urgent Care, the Ultrasound person at the Heart and Vascular Center, the Coumadin Clinic, and all those I've yet to see in future appointments (the Vascular Surgeon, for one) .................

Because of all of this ................

My heart is filled with GRATITUDE

Most of all .....

I am GRATEFUL

for the love,

concern,

healing energy,

thoughtfulness,

kindness,

and support

of my amazing wonderful family and friends.

You know who you are ♥

(and I do, too)

I love each of you with my heart and soul ♥

ILLUSIONS

ILLUSIONS

A very dear friend of mine once said (as I was video taping her with my old VHS video camera – you know those big huge heavy things that you had to rest on your shoulder while operating – well, maybe you’re too young to remember), she said: “Life is an illusion. I am an illusion.” I do believe she had a grip on something that has become much more apparent to me recently.


In my younger days, my mind was filled with illusions. I had the “happily ever after – fairytale” mentality. If I get married, I’ll be happy, because that’s how my Mom and Dad were. But, it didn’t take long to realize that wasn’t completely true. My first husband abused me, both physically and mentally. I’m so grateful I escaped when I did.


That still didn’t change my distorted thinking. I filled my mind with excuses. I told myself, next time will be better. I was always searching for my Prince Charming. He didn’t exist – at least, not the way they are in fairytales. Prince Charmings come with baggage and human faults, just as we all do. I was seeking perfection. That was my ILLUSION then.


I do have my Prince Charming now, but he is very human and is far from perfect. But, he is perfect for me. And, that’s what matters most.



But, this story is about ILLUSIONS.

Being the straightforward, honest person I am (hey, my Mom carved honesty and truth into my brain), I had more faith in human nature than many do. I guess I thought everyone’s Mom was just like mine, so I trusted. However, I thought I knew the liars, and I avoided them. But, my “trust meter” must have needed calibration these past couple years. That, and/or the fact that some people are very very good masters at deception; so good, that I believed in their lies. I had always thought I could detect people like this. I had previously had my radar in tune with fraud, lies and dishonesty.



I don’t know, how, or when it actually happened, but, somehow, whatever blessed me with the ability to identify lies and deceit, became defective. Had I noticed, I would have gotten a tune-up. I was immune to deciphering the lies of one person, who was (is) quite the skillful illusionist. In retrospect, I am able to recognize this. As “they” say, “hindsight is 20-20”. So many things that did not seem logical then, now suddenly have become crystal clear. Should I have noticed this before? Maybe. Maybe not. I’m sure this was a lesson I was meant to learn.

Not everything that we see is what we think we see.  Often we see others and the world through ILLUSIONS.


I’ve experienced many emotions since making this grave sobering discovery.


Initially, I was hurt – very hurt.

It was difficult to discover that what I had believed to be true was just a façade.

My hurt quickly turned to anger, when the true colors of this person suddenly appeared.


Then there was a brief period of shock. Where did THIS come from? And why?


Of course, I searched deep within the corners of my mind to attempt to figure out what had happened. I think everyone does this, when one finds themselves in a quandary over a conflict or disagreement. We begin to assume, and our thoughts wander aimlessly, anxiously searching for answers.


What I’ve realized with this recent experience is that sometimes there are NO answers. It just simply “IS”. It is what it is. And, nothing else matters. It doesn’t matter what caused it, or where it came from, or why. None of that will change reality.




We search for those ILLUSIONS that will bring some semblance of reasoning. But, it’s not necessary in some instances – such as this one. We do not know why anyone else does what they do, so why even try to guess.


Instead, with truth (“the truth shall set you free”), and breaking away from ILLUSIONS, I found it was much easier and quicker to “LET GO”. After what was done to me, there was absolutely NO justifiable reason to hang on to anything related to this issue or this person any longer.




Humans have an instinctual tendency to want to grasp and hang on to people, places, things – whatever. But, the real blessing is in the “letting go” process, when it becomes necessary for self-survival.


I’m so eternally grateful that I did not allow this situation to bring me down or to cause me much dismay for very long.


Instead of dwelling on what would now be missing in my life, after letting go I was able to focus on all the amazing wonderful, loving, honest people who are in my life.



It was then I realized what a huge relief there is in “letting go”.



Besides, all that will be “missing” are the ILLUSIONS.


You might wonder how this is affecting how I perceive others now. I will NOT allow the lies of one person to destroy my faith in people. I will NOT allow the malicious actions of one person to create bitterness within my heart. I refuse to allow the cruel, vicious, inconsiderate, and vindictive words of one person to cause me to be any less loving, understanding or compassionate to people.


I’ve risen above what has happened. I am NOT a victim. But, I am a person with a heart full of gratitude for no longer being exposed to one person’s delusional, cruel and irrational behavior.

I AM a person filled with love for others.



Am I leaving myself open to the possibility of being hurt again? Perhaps I am. But, that’s a risk I’ll take. If I close myself off to the kindness of all of the wonderful caring people in this world, because of only one person, I might as well stop living right now.


I still have adventures to travel and more challenges to experience, and I choose to do so with an open loving heart.


I am so very grateful for all that crosses my life’s path. Each moment is here for a reason; sometimes to be the student learning a lesson, sometimes to be the instructor helping teach others.


Regardless of whatever role we play or whatever the reason…………………

It is what it is.
Sometimes we will be fooled by ILLUSIONS. And, sometimes our intuition will give us a warning. Sometimes we will listen to that warning. And, sometimes we will choose to ignore it. Either way is okay, as long as we remember to find the GRATITUDE in the experience, the challenge or the adventure.





And, now, the lyrics to a song that keeps replaying in my head…………………………………..

“Both Sides Now” by Joni Mitchell, released in 1969

Bows and flows of angel hair and ice cream castles in the air
and feather canyons everywhere, I've looked at cloud that way.
But now they only block the sun, they rain and snow on everyone.
So many things I would have done but clouds got in my way.

I've looked at clouds from both sides now,
from up and down, and still somehow
it's cloud illusions I recall.
I really don't know clouds at all.

Moons and Junes and ferris wheels, the dizzy dancing way you feel
When every fairy tale comes real; I've looked at love that way.
But now it's just another show. You leave 'em laughing when you go
and if you care, don't let them know, don't give yourself away.

I've looked at love from both sides now,
from give and take, and still somehow
it's love's illusions I recall.
I really don't know love at all.

Tears and fears and feeling proud to say "I love you" right out loud,
dreams and schemes and circus crowds, I've looked at life that way.
But now old friends are acting strange, they shake their heads, they say
I've changed.
But something's lost but something's gained in living every day.

I've looked at life from both sides now,
from win and lose, and still somehow
it's life's illusions I recall.
I really don't know life at all.

I've looked at life from both sides now,
from up and down, and still somehow
it's life's illusions I recall.
I really don't know life at all.




In love and gratitude always,


G.