Painful Gratitude

Disclaimer: 
Please understand that, in no way, is this being written to seek sympathy of any kind at all. 
(SYMPATHY can be found in the dictionary, between SELFISH and UNHEALTHY)


Pain - excrutiating pain - like a neverending severe Charley Horse, making it almost impossible to walk.  With this new persistent pain in my left leg, along with the arthritis in my right leg, walking (even with a cane) has been quite a challenge.

Swelling - to the point of feeling as though the insides of my leg would explode right through my skin.

Redness - on the lower portion of my left leg, between my knee and my ankle - hot to the touch - - so much so, that it felt as though a heater, set at a temperature of about 100 degrees, was buried under my skin.

(picture is not my leg, but a close example of what mine was like)

Fever - vacillating between 101.5 and slightly below normal temp, often feeling "infected".

Bruised, sore stomach, feeling like a pin cushion from the daily injections.

(again, picture is not me, but just an example - without the bruises)

(I do apologize for the graphics - not pleasant, I know;  sorry)

But, there is a reason for the description.

Sometimes people have NO warning - NO pain to signal the presence of a disease or condition that potentially could be life-threatening.  Instead, without medical attention, the condition becomes worse and their life is ended suddenly.


This is why I am so very very GRATEFUL for the PAIN I've been experiencing.  I won't lie; I'd prefer not to have pain.  However, without this chronic pain, there's a good chance I may not be here to be writing about this right now.


I was diagnosed with DVT (Deep Vein Thrombosis) - - - - more commonly known as blood clots. 

("B" below - that's me - obviously NOT normal)

My Ultrasound looked as though someone had taken a crayon and colored in almost the entire lower portion of my leg.  Mighty scary.

(Just a diagram below; NOT my Ultrasound)

To what does this all translate?

(of course)

Because of the pain, and because I listened to the pain, and because I heard about what the pain was warning me ................

and, with the help of several Doctors, Nurses, Urgent Care, the Ultrasound person at the Heart and Vascular Center, the Coumadin Clinic, and all those I've yet to see in future appointments (the Vascular Surgeon, for one) .................

Because of all of this ................

My heart is filled with GRATITUDE

Most of all .....

I am GRATEFUL

for the love,

concern,

healing energy,

thoughtfulness,

kindness,

and support

of my amazing wonderful family and friends.

You know who you are ♥

(and I do, too)

I love each of you with my heart and soul ♥

ILLUSIONS

ILLUSIONS

A very dear friend of mine once said (as I was video taping her with my old VHS video camera – you know those big huge heavy things that you had to rest on your shoulder while operating – well, maybe you’re too young to remember), she said: “Life is an illusion. I am an illusion.” I do believe she had a grip on something that has become much more apparent to me recently.


In my younger days, my mind was filled with illusions. I had the “happily ever after – fairytale” mentality. If I get married, I’ll be happy, because that’s how my Mom and Dad were. But, it didn’t take long to realize that wasn’t completely true. My first husband abused me, both physically and mentally. I’m so grateful I escaped when I did.


That still didn’t change my distorted thinking. I filled my mind with excuses. I told myself, next time will be better. I was always searching for my Prince Charming. He didn’t exist – at least, not the way they are in fairytales. Prince Charmings come with baggage and human faults, just as we all do. I was seeking perfection. That was my ILLUSION then.


I do have my Prince Charming now, but he is very human and is far from perfect. But, he is perfect for me. And, that’s what matters most.



But, this story is about ILLUSIONS.

Being the straightforward, honest person I am (hey, my Mom carved honesty and truth into my brain), I had more faith in human nature than many do. I guess I thought everyone’s Mom was just like mine, so I trusted. However, I thought I knew the liars, and I avoided them. But, my “trust meter” must have needed calibration these past couple years. That, and/or the fact that some people are very very good masters at deception; so good, that I believed in their lies. I had always thought I could detect people like this. I had previously had my radar in tune with fraud, lies and dishonesty.



I don’t know, how, or when it actually happened, but, somehow, whatever blessed me with the ability to identify lies and deceit, became defective. Had I noticed, I would have gotten a tune-up. I was immune to deciphering the lies of one person, who was (is) quite the skillful illusionist. In retrospect, I am able to recognize this. As “they” say, “hindsight is 20-20”. So many things that did not seem logical then, now suddenly have become crystal clear. Should I have noticed this before? Maybe. Maybe not. I’m sure this was a lesson I was meant to learn.

Not everything that we see is what we think we see.  Often we see others and the world through ILLUSIONS.


I’ve experienced many emotions since making this grave sobering discovery.


Initially, I was hurt – very hurt.

It was difficult to discover that what I had believed to be true was just a façade.

My hurt quickly turned to anger, when the true colors of this person suddenly appeared.


Then there was a brief period of shock. Where did THIS come from? And why?


Of course, I searched deep within the corners of my mind to attempt to figure out what had happened. I think everyone does this, when one finds themselves in a quandary over a conflict or disagreement. We begin to assume, and our thoughts wander aimlessly, anxiously searching for answers.


What I’ve realized with this recent experience is that sometimes there are NO answers. It just simply “IS”. It is what it is. And, nothing else matters. It doesn’t matter what caused it, or where it came from, or why. None of that will change reality.




We search for those ILLUSIONS that will bring some semblance of reasoning. But, it’s not necessary in some instances – such as this one. We do not know why anyone else does what they do, so why even try to guess.


Instead, with truth (“the truth shall set you free”), and breaking away from ILLUSIONS, I found it was much easier and quicker to “LET GO”. After what was done to me, there was absolutely NO justifiable reason to hang on to anything related to this issue or this person any longer.




Humans have an instinctual tendency to want to grasp and hang on to people, places, things – whatever. But, the real blessing is in the “letting go” process, when it becomes necessary for self-survival.


I’m so eternally grateful that I did not allow this situation to bring me down or to cause me much dismay for very long.


Instead of dwelling on what would now be missing in my life, after letting go I was able to focus on all the amazing wonderful, loving, honest people who are in my life.



It was then I realized what a huge relief there is in “letting go”.



Besides, all that will be “missing” are the ILLUSIONS.


You might wonder how this is affecting how I perceive others now. I will NOT allow the lies of one person to destroy my faith in people. I will NOT allow the malicious actions of one person to create bitterness within my heart. I refuse to allow the cruel, vicious, inconsiderate, and vindictive words of one person to cause me to be any less loving, understanding or compassionate to people.


I’ve risen above what has happened. I am NOT a victim. But, I am a person with a heart full of gratitude for no longer being exposed to one person’s delusional, cruel and irrational behavior.

I AM a person filled with love for others.



Am I leaving myself open to the possibility of being hurt again? Perhaps I am. But, that’s a risk I’ll take. If I close myself off to the kindness of all of the wonderful caring people in this world, because of only one person, I might as well stop living right now.


I still have adventures to travel and more challenges to experience, and I choose to do so with an open loving heart.


I am so very grateful for all that crosses my life’s path. Each moment is here for a reason; sometimes to be the student learning a lesson, sometimes to be the instructor helping teach others.


Regardless of whatever role we play or whatever the reason…………………

It is what it is.
Sometimes we will be fooled by ILLUSIONS. And, sometimes our intuition will give us a warning. Sometimes we will listen to that warning. And, sometimes we will choose to ignore it. Either way is okay, as long as we remember to find the GRATITUDE in the experience, the challenge or the adventure.





And, now, the lyrics to a song that keeps replaying in my head…………………………………..

“Both Sides Now” by Joni Mitchell, released in 1969

Bows and flows of angel hair and ice cream castles in the air
and feather canyons everywhere, I've looked at cloud that way.
But now they only block the sun, they rain and snow on everyone.
So many things I would have done but clouds got in my way.

I've looked at clouds from both sides now,
from up and down, and still somehow
it's cloud illusions I recall.
I really don't know clouds at all.

Moons and Junes and ferris wheels, the dizzy dancing way you feel
When every fairy tale comes real; I've looked at love that way.
But now it's just another show. You leave 'em laughing when you go
and if you care, don't let them know, don't give yourself away.

I've looked at love from both sides now,
from give and take, and still somehow
it's love's illusions I recall.
I really don't know love at all.

Tears and fears and feeling proud to say "I love you" right out loud,
dreams and schemes and circus crowds, I've looked at life that way.
But now old friends are acting strange, they shake their heads, they say
I've changed.
But something's lost but something's gained in living every day.

I've looked at life from both sides now,
from win and lose, and still somehow
it's life's illusions I recall.
I really don't know life at all.

I've looked at life from both sides now,
from up and down, and still somehow
it's life's illusions I recall.
I really don't know life at all.




In love and gratitude always,


G.

Trying to find GRATITUDE in the last of 2009

2009 ended on a sad note. 

I had planned on posting a tribute to our daughter on December 12th, which was three years since the horrific car accident that robbed her of her beautiful life. 

Michelle was an amazing soul.  Her beautiful smile lit up the room, when she walked in.  EVERY time!  Her warmth was like a fresh dose of sunshine.  She taught me the value of organization and planning.  I know she's with me often, to remind me to continue to declutter my life.  Intellectually I know there is no such thing as perfection.  But, Michelle was pretty close to perfect.

I'm grateful to have shared life with her, if even for a short time.  

She is an angel whose spirit is with me often to inspire and to guide me along my way here. 

Yes, I had planned on writing my annual tribute to Michelle on the 12th..... but sometimes things don't always follow our plans.

Early that morning, I received a phone call that my father had passed away (just a couple weeks shy of his 87th birthday).  Selfishly, just as we don't want our loved ones to die, I didn't want Dad to leave this earth either.  He was such a strong man, that I actually believed he would outlive me.  Silly, I know, but it just seemed like nothing could ever remove his ability to remain strong through any adversity.

When Dad was only 58, Mom suffered a severe stroke.  That was her 59th birthday.  Dad cared for her during almost the entire following seventeen years. 

Dad smoked cigarettes from the time he was eleven years old until just a couple years before he died.  That's over seventy years!!!!!!!!!!!!!  He didn't eat right, never exercised, didn't go to the dentist, and didn't go to the doctor until his later years.  During his working years, he worked six days a week, ten to twelve hours a day.  Everything that we are told will kill us,  seemed to have no adverse affect on Dad.  He was a pillar of strength.

But, eventually, as will happen to each of us, it was time for him to leave this earth.

The past thirteen years had been difficult for Dad, being without Mom, the love of his life.  She passed away one month before their 50th wedding anniversary.  It's comforting to know that they are now together again.  I'm grateful for this.

I'm eternally grateful for all the amazing wonderful memories of all the awesome years shared with my Dad.

From this moment back in 1952 ~

to this one in 2009 ~

My Dad was my rock.  I'm grateful for all that he taught me, for all he did for me, for everything he was. 

I'm grateful that I now have another angel in heaven, watching over me, just as he did here on earth.


Yes, even through some of our saddest and most heartbreaking moments, it IS possible to find gratitude.


Wishing all of you a GRATITUDE-filled 2010..............

When Life Throws You a Curve Ball.......

Originally written in July 2008, this has previously been posted twice on Cafe Mom.  It's time to post it here in my Blog.
 
To preface my second CM posting, I wrote: 
"What we need seems to find us, just when we need it.  Thought I'd post this again, in case there's someone who needs to hear this right now."

When Life Throws you a Curve Ball






One thing that breaks my heart is when I see a thought bubble that is negative or someone is expressing pain or sadness. It just hurts me to know that one of my friends is having a difficult time with something.





It's also particularly sad for me to read a journal post that is filled with anger or resentment. I understand that life is not easy, and often times can be downright miserable. But, even in the most difficult times, emphasizing the difficulty doesn't help make it any easier. We call it "venting", but in reality what we are doing is placing energy on that which is making us miserable. This, in turn, is only creating more pain.




There are simple answers - simple exercises - that can help alleviate the degree to which we are unhappy, helping us to move on into the next moment.




LOVE and GRATITUDE




We can begin by loving ourselves enough to search for the light and the bright side. There is always a positive piece in our puzzle of life. Sometimes it gets lost and entangled within our depression. Love yourself enough to know in your heart that you deserve happiness. Love yourself enough to remove the layers of suffering to help uncover the joy that is hiding deep inside.



Instead of wondering why you are experiencing distress - instead of wishing something good would cross your path - instead of saying "why me?" - peel away those layers that are blocking your happiness and discover the goodness that already exists.



It is there - I promise you that! But, it's your responsibility to see it. Become aware of it and embrace it with all the love in your heart. Once you realize that it's there, it becomes easier to focus on the goodness.



Whatever we give energy to is what will grow and blossom within our hearts and souls.



This brings me to gratitude. By focusing on all that already exists in your life for which to be grateful, somehow miraculously, the distressful issues seem to feel not quite as wretched as they did before.




Life is not easy for anyone, regardless of how this illusion might appear. Each of us has issues to face. When you notice people who seem to have it all - to have happiness all the time - to always be smiling - to never complain - it doesn't mean that they do not carry around sadness or suffering deep inside of them. What it does mean is that they have learned how to channel their energies into a more positive direction. They are the ones who have learned the gift of appreciation.


I mentioned smiling. Try remaining angry or resentful while you are smiling. Can't do it, can you? Keep that smile on your face and continue to realize how much exists in your life for which to be thankful. Then you will find that heavy load of misery lifting from you.



I understand that life is filled with difficulties. If you know me, then you already know that I'm speaking from experience. But, I've chosen to not allow all that crap to continue to hurt me. I won't allow the past to destroy my present moment. There is nothing I can do that will remove my past. But all that I choose to do in my present moment will help my future.



The past can be just the past minute or second, or it can be years of built-up junk. But, once it's passed, it's gone forever. So it won't help to dwell on it.




Life is ever-changing and is impermanent. Life is not all joy and happiness. Life is not all sadness and difficulty. Life is a combination of everything.



Life is an education, a learning experience. All that is placed in our path is there for a reason and gives us an opportunity to learn a lesson. Don't miss out on those remarkable opportunities.



If our thoughts and feelings are too occupied with our struggles and problems, we might miss out on the wisdom that's been made available to us.



It's okay to feel sadness when it is present in that one moment. Just don't allow yourself to ponder it too long. Instead, remember to move on into the next moment without carrying the baggage from previous moments. If we continue to carry that old baggage, it become heavier and heavier with each moment; and we risk missing out on the potential pleasures in the new present moment of NOW.


Sometimes life brings us unpleasant circumstances that we don't want - those "curve balls". It is what it is. So, although we cannot change some of those events, we do have the ability to transform our attitude toward those situations. This is called acceptance. And, that can help make all the difference in the world.





I prefer to label the horrific devastation that has entered my life, as challenges. Each challenge has presented an opportunity for me. I was not always aware of this, and wasted much time and energy on depression, sadness, guilt, resentment, etc. However, now I am so very grateful that I was able to learn the wisdom of gratitude and love. It has improved my life tremendously. And, it can do the very same for you.



NOW is the time to be mindful of each and every moment, each and every emotion within us, in each present moment. Instead of becoming stagnant in that moment, continue moving on your life's path, going with the natural flow and be present with each experience.




Consciously choose to place more energy and concentration on the favorable moments and discover contentment with all that crosses your life's path.





I choose JOY






I choose LOVE






I choose GRATITUDE






I choose all of these for my present moment of NOW. I hope you will, too.

What were you conditioned to believe? Eliminating the Distortion of Perception...

Just as the new bud

transforms into a beautiful flower,

so too, does the morning awaken into a beautiful new day.

How do you define "beautiful"?  What specifically is a "beautiful" flower or a "beautiful" new day?  How do we recognize beauty?

Isn't it true, we are conditioned to believe that a beautiful flower looks something like this.....

or possibly like these.....

Or, maybe..................

BUT, what is it that makes it so beautiful?  From where did this requirement come?

It's perception from what we've been conditioned to believe. 

Sometimes perception comes in the form of deception.

So where is the rule that demands beauty look like that?

Isn't it possible, just maybe, that beauty could look like this....................... ?

or like this................................?

or, even this ?

This is my Great-Grandma (and me).  She lived into her late 90's.  I’ve never seen a photo of her when she was younger, but I’m sure she was beautiful, because I can see her beauty even in this picture.

Look into the eyes of everyone you see. The eyes are the window to the soul. You will discover true beauty in everyone.

If you remove the distorted automatic training from your mind, and learn to view everything in a new and different light.......... you will discover that beauty appears in many different forms........ beauty is in everything. 

Just as age is just a number, beauty is simply a word.  However, when you add love and gratitude to your thinking, the word "beauty" takes on a whole new meaning.

It's possible to look at this............

and know that it came from this......

It's all about whatever we have been conditioned to believe.  And, it is possible to transform our perception into seeing beauty in new and exciting visions, and open up a whole new world.

Think of the new bud as a newborn baby. 

Watch as the bud gradually grows into a mature flower.

Just as the flower grows, the newborn baby grows into a beautiful young girl or a handsome young boy.

 

Then, in what seems like a blink of an eye, he/she suddenly realizes that the inevitability of "age" has caught up with them ...

....................with you

................... with me

....................with each of us. 

We cannot escape it.  Oh, some people will attempt to halt or slow down the process.  But, the reality is that everyone who lives long enough will age.  The youthful external beauty diminshes and soon we are looking at a vision in the mirror that reminds us of our mother or father, or grandmother or grandfather. 

Instead of perceiving age as something ugly, why not simply embrace the process and be grateful for whatever your beauty looks like.

Each of us is beautiful, regardless of our outward appearance or our age. 

Bodies that we've been conditioned to believe are unattractive, are actually quite beautiful - even the flab, the pouches, the limps, the aches and pains, the wrinkles, the sags, discoloration of the skin, thinning hair, missing teeth, fading eyesight --- all of it IS beauty.

In less than one month I'll be celebrating my 62nd birthday.  Yes, I said "celebrating".  Life is a beauty to celebrate, not only on our birthdays, but every day.

If we are blessed enough to still be alive with wrinkles, sags, flab and all that other stuff, then it should be embraced and appreciated. 
(It sure beats the alternative!)

I am GRATEFUL for my life and for it's beauty.  I've learned to see all challenges as beauty to be embraced and appreciated.

Next time you look in the mirror, instead of focusing on your flaws (hey, we all have 'em - yep, even the young) - - - take a really good look at the beauty of YOU.

Be grateful for your beauty, in whatever form it is.

Appreciate, embrace and love the beauty of YOU

P.S. In the past I would removed aging flowers from the plant.  I was conditioned to believe that the aging flowers zapped the new buds of their energy.  But, I've learned that the aging shriveling flowers add character and a beauty of their own to the garden --- just as aging people enhance the lives of the young.

Change your perspective with mud and flowers

-
oh, but it's really so much more.................



It lives, grows and thrives in the mud.





The Lotus Flower

We cannot deny its beauty

Let it be an example


We live and grow in mud -



the muddy crap that takes up residence in our lives


............. our disappointments, our sadness, our pain, our tears, our grief, our struggles, our sorrow, our heartaches, our body aches........................


all of it


the crap of our lives


the muddy crap of our lives

 



Take a lesson from the beautiful Lotus Blossom


the more muddy, the more beautiful it becomes

Learn this lesson well.................


Open your mind, heart and soul up to welcome the muddy clouds that seek to destroy


Don't focus on it


Don't allow it to damper your spirit


Don't drown in it


And, for heaven's sake, don't resist it


for what we resist, will persist.






welcome it - embrace it


Be grateful and appreciate it - all of it






Life will include happiness - just not all the time.


Life will include suffering - it is what it is - that's a "given".


But, when we just allow the natural ebb and flow between suffering and happiness, without expectations, with acceptance, the mud becomes more tolerable

 



For it's from the mud that we will thrive and become beautiful, too


............just like the Lotus flower

Look in the mirror and recognize how truly beautiful you really are..............



♥